21. Trying to lose weight to become a happier, healthier, and more fit version of myself.
All this time I was finding myself, and I didn't know I was lost

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Experience in AmeriCorps NCCC | Personal weight loss journal

Posts tagged personal

Sep 1 '14

oh my god..today I was such a jerk

Literally. I didn’t mean to but looking back on it I was so rude. I was at work and saw a regular and of course spoke…well I guess his son was with him and he was talking to me about the carts I was pushing in and I just blew it off as a casual blah blah let me get around you girl with the carts type thing…then I saw him again inside the store when I was putting beer away and of course I was ranting about being angry at people who mess things up blah blah blah…well he mumbled something and asked if I heard and I said no? and he said “I said you’re pretty” and I was like OH THANKS…from this point on I didn’t make eye contact…i’m pretty sure i’d handle being shot at in a war zone better than compliments…

well then he asked if I had a boy friend and of course I lied and said “well…kind of” and he asked what kind of answer that was because obviously that’s such a bull shit answer but i just kept going WELL IT’S COMPLICATED and walked away…I went and hid in the back.

I was so rude :( he was being really nice and that’s probably the only time anyone has ever randomly come up to me and complimented me. I should have been more receptive but I just don’t know how to accept any kind of approach…

wah now i’m upset. what if i missed some wonderful opportunity because i’m awkward haha.

I hope I didn’t hurt his feelings though. I would never have the balls to go up and tell someone they’re good looking much less ask about their relationship status..

Tags: personal

Aug 18 '14

Personal progress rant

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Tags: personal trigger

Mar 1 '14

Can’t run today because when I started I felt some pains that aren’t normal so figured that was my sign to do more low impact things today and give my legs a break. Lost a pound this week though for a total of 10 since feb 5th proud of myself! Two more lbs and ill be at 5% my starting weight lost :)

Being good with my diet lately too hoping to maintain will power!

3 notes Tags: personal weight watchers fitblr

Jan 25 '14

such a personal success

I’ve really been craving bad food - like ice cream in particular..and today when i left work instead of giving in…i bought greek yogurt bananas and some sugary tea….and had baked chicken in a quisidilla for dinner :) my splurrgee is a lot better than what i really wanted!

Tags: personal

Jan 20 '14

Can I just talk about my feelings for a moment please

I just feel so happy. 
I haven’t been able to say that…probably ever. 
I usually am sad and negative about my life but now I just feel like I can’t be brought down. I just feel so excited and happy about everything in my life and where I’m heading towards. I have a solid job that likes me and gives me plenty of hours and is willing to work with me on almost anything, I have decent classes that challenge me but push me to try my hardest, and I have been improving my running, truly enjoy my naturalist class which is opening doors for me locally to network with people in fields I’d like to go into, and I’m starting to feel more confident in myself and my relationships with others. I just feel like my stuff is coming together. I’ll be graduating with my associates this year and moving onto my dream school! Hopefully getting a job at the park I’d love to work and traveling around the state to see more of the state that I ever have…I also have plans of going out west again which makes me excited and motivates me to work harder. 

took a slap in the face and some harsh words from a friend to wake me up but now I embrace everything coming at me and feel like i’m truly successful. I’m not lucky, I have worked my ass off for everything I have and that means the world to me. 

I’m so thankful.

2 notes Tags: personal

Nov 22 '13

Started working out again this past week when I got back in Virginia it’s been a wake up call. Since being away and out of the gym I’ve lost a lot of what I had worked up to before I left town but slowly and surely I plan to regain and surpass what I had accomplished before. 

I’ve been doing a lot of cardio this past week…for some reasons the weights intimidate me again…I need to get over that asap! 
I downloaded the app workout trainer so i’ll probably be using that for free weight ideas, I just need to get the confidence to strut my stuff like I used to…

thinking about getting a personal trainer, figured that’d be extra motivation. for what i understood at the gym i could pay $45 a month and get a script written out for me for what to do and a monthly meeting with a trainer to discuss my improvements. First I’m working to get a job, then money for school, THEN personal trainer can come but not before school. 

I feel a little behind and I realize I’m being hard on myself and over critical but it’s hard when you know you let yourself slip back into old habits…I gained 15 lbs in 10 months…it’s disgusting to me. But don’t worry I’m back with vengeance. 

tomorrow i plan to hit the gym early, today was my rest day, then probably spend the day out on the town with my mom or something…

i wish i had more friends here. it’s a little depressing that everyone said they missed me so much but once i get back nobody really even makes an effort to see me. ohwell such is life. i’m focusing more on me anyways.

Tags: personal

Jun 30 '13

a lot seems to be going “wrong” but ohwell..trying to stay postive, “wrong” is just a perception anyway, right? nothing can actually BE wrong, we only perceive it as wrong

My wisedom of the day :)

Tags: personal

Mar 31 '13

Symbolism of white-tailed deer

Deer’s medicine includes gentleness in word, thought and touch. The ability to listen, grace and appreciation for the beauty of balance. Understanding of what’s necessary for survival, power of gratitude and giving, ability to sacrifice for the higher good, connection to the woodland goddess, alternative paths to a goal…

…tempting us to release the material trappings of so-called ‘civilization’, to go deep into the forest of magic, to explore our own magical and spiritual nature. The topic gentleness is part of this tradition…

The lesson to be gleaned here is that when we explore magic and spirituality, it must be with good intention, to harm no living being, but to enter the realm of the wild things in the spirit of love and communion. The Stag, Damh in the Gaelic tongue, is also linked to the sacredness of the magical forest. The Damh represents independence, purification, and pride. It is known as the King of the Forest, the protector of its creatures.


If a deer crosses your path, this may show you that you are a very compassionate, gentle and loving person. If you don’t have these qualities, then consider if you have a problem that needs addressing. Are you facing a challenge in your life, whether with a fellow human being or a delicate situation? If you are feeling negative emotions such as anger, try letting go. Think about whether a gentler and more loving approach can sort the issue out. It may be necessary to speak the truth, this is best done with kindness and from the heart, this will generally give a better result.


Deer has entered your life to help you walk the path of love with full consciousness and awareness, to know that love sometimes requires caring and protection, not only in how we love others, but also in how we love ourselves.


A deer’s senses are very acute and they see extremely well in low light, giving them the ability to understand the deeper symbolic meanings of things. They can hear a twig snap a very long way off. People with this power animal are often described as being swift and alert. They are intuitive, often seeming to possess well developed, even extrasensory perceptions. Sometimes their thoughts seem to race ahead, and they appear not to be listening, to be somewhere else. Anyone with power animal has latent clairvoyant and clairaudient abilities. They can see between the shadows, detect subtle movements and hear that which is not being uttered.


I just read an article about the symbolism of deer, and this is insane to me. So accurate. I really hope that I can take the advice of this and slowly but surly love myself and also arrive at a solution for my challenges I’m currently having. It may be necessary to speak the truth, this is best done with kindness and from the heart” This really speaks to me…I need to think on this some more. But just wow this whole topic means so much to me. I was talking with a friend of mine this morning about spiritually and maybe this is a sign…I just feel so euphoric right now. 

2 notes Tags: deer symbolism personal

Mar 31 '13

I just had almost a life changing moment…or maybe just a day changing moment. I’ve been in a rut for the past couple of days, basically crumbling inside without being able to fully experience it. It’s not like I can just sit down and cry for a hour or so and just move on, I’m constantly surrounded by people…and if you know me at all you know I have a pride complex. I don’t show my weaknesses or not normally anyway…
Well long story short I’ve been moody, depressed, and just falling apart and lashing out at those that I love here. Today I decided to go for a run, probably the best idea I’ve had recently. It felt great, however, coming back here to no good food really bummed me out. There’s no healthy option even if I wanted to…I don’t understand how a children’s camp doesn’t have healthy food..isn’t that one of the biggest deals now? Childhood obesity? Well after being at a camp for a while I can understand how it becomes a problem. I’m an adult who knows what’s right and wrong when it comes to eating and I CANNOT find healthy options here….so I can’t imagine how children feel..BUT I’m getting off topic.
Well after my run I still felt a little…lost and just apathetic so I went to the woods for answers. I’m not particularly religious or spiritual but I’ve always felt at home and at peace in the woods. I go there when I need an escape. Some people love to travel to cities, and explore cities and towns..not me…I like the woods. I like to explore old trails, trails that haven’t been walked in ages…I like to smell nature, to hear the sounds, to just take it all in. Well I found such a place today, I went down the path less traveled and sat by the river for a while. I was just staring down the river, thinking of everything…I was asking for answers. I just wanted some sort of a sign, anything, something to give me hope and to tell me to keep going. Well I got the urge to walk a little further, I thought it’d eventually come out somewhere. Well it was very obviously the  path less traveled…downed trees…leaves covering the path…the path continued to get smaller and smaller…but I kept going. I was lost in thought, listening to sad songs…just walking with myself…then suddenly I saw something.
At first I thought it was bikes, but I knew I was no where near a road…I could sense it..if that makes sense..then I looked closer and it was deer. A whole herd. These beautiful creatures were just running in front of me, and when I say in front of me I mean VERY close..like if I ran I would have been where they were in less than a minute. It was shocking. Of course I just stood there for a minute…shocked…mystified…

It was beautiful. It was magical, I’ve never experienced real wild life that close before. I was alone and just there with nature. It was a true Pocahontas moment. But after they passed I just stood there for a minute, lost in the moment…

I had been asking for a sign, right? Anything to keep me moving forward…well what more could I ask for than a herd of deer running in front of me! Personally, I took it as a sign to run free, run wild, be happy. I’ve been thinking about doing americorps again as an STL but I’ve been hesitant and wondering what is right for my life..what will happen if I do? I’m scared. But now…I just feel so…willing. I want to run wild, I want to see what the world has to offer. I want to experience all that life has to offer.

I will be free.

4 notes Tags: nature deer personal discovery

Mar 18 '13


Since I’ve been in americorps I feel like I’ve learned a lot and met a lot of unique and interesting people. I’ve learned you have to accept your self and be happy before you can expect anyone to appreciate you fully. It’s only been a month and I feel like a new person…a year ago I NEVER thought I’d be in Indiana right now. Everyone here has helped me and taught me a lot but my team is so top notch its hard to explain. My support ranger Michael has honestly been such a savior…I cant even. Him along with Christian have not only helped me understand different perspectives but also myself. I feel like before them I never really thought about myself in a positive light. Michael found me on here before Vinton and ironically we end up on the same team :) never did i think we’d be so close. Hes legit my best friend here and im sure I annoy him sometimes but he puts up with me so oh well :p I just dont thimk i could ever thank him enough for everything he’s taught me just in the last month. He’s truly inspiring.
As for the rest of the team they are all just so fabulous in their own ways…
Christian and I have semi similar pasts and I feel like I can talk openly with him without fear of judgment, he’s such a sweet heart.

My other team mates are perfect in their own ways and I just hope that I can live up to their expectations and make them all proud…im really glad I got placed on such a good team. Other teams are basically failing already, and although I know we’re still in the “honeymoon phase” I just feel so thankful for all of them.

These next 8 months will fly by and there will be fights but I honestly feel like oak 3 will come out stronger. And ill never doubt our friendships.

Americorps is the best decision I’ve ever made.

5 notes Tags: personal

Mar 15 '13


Ugh I wamt to start getting nup early on nom-pt days amd working out but im scared to go places alone here (im at a ymca camp) and none of , y team wants to wake up….i could workout in the cabin but I have to be super quiet :/ I feel so out of shape lately it makes me almost want to cry amd just go home….but I cant do that and I know the only reason I feel so bad is because my bum knee, which is almost back to 100% but not quite Sad unfit bran, kind of hate life

Tags: personal fitblr

Feb 15 '13

Update from Iowa

Had a nutrition class this week and I felt like I was in fitblr heaven! Haaha it was great! Also had PT today which was AWESOME got up at 440am and ran to the gym then went to PT for 45 mins
Happy brandy! Been a lazy day though ugh

1 note Tags: personal

Jan 30 '13
  • Ordered my Vera and it’s supposed to be here by Feb 2nd, too bad that’s a Saturday and they can’t deliver it downtown Richmond on a Saturday! Maybs I’ll get it Monday, just in the nick of time! 
  • Didn’t workout yesterday, going to tonight though :) Going with my mom, it’s our bonding time. 
    It’s been really hard eating right since my going away party, we have a ton of sodas and just shit in the house! ugh. I’m trying to be good though, I’ve maintained my weight, haven’t gone above 235 so I’m happy. I deserve to splurge a little before I go off away from home, right?! I think so! 
  • Also ordered a book a while back but it’s not here yet? Like can they please deliver it cause it’s been a week or more! ugh.
  • It’s like 70 degrees here, next week it will be like 10 degrees in Iowa…fabulous
  • lately I’ve been really stressed and super sensitive. Like the littlest things make me cry, it’s ridiculous. 
  • probs gonna upload my workout calender for January either today or tomorrow; I already have a realistic idea of how this week will go so probably today. Just so you guys can see how I really did in real life! I’m not perfect, but I’m always trying so isn’t that what matters? :) 

1 note Tags: personal fitblr Americorps

Jan 18 '13

Travel Itinerary Received…


Departing Feb 5th from RDU at 7 am to Baltimore,MD … 

shit just got real >_<


5 notes (via )Tags: nccc americorps Americorps NCCC personal journey service

Jan 14 '13

My thoughts of the day

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1 note Tags: coast guard americorps personal